Just take the time to listen

Now and then you have to stop and listen to what the universe is trying to tell you. I was having quite a difficult time staying focussed, my writing suffered, and as a result my wellbeing. I was getting all sorts of signals from the universe, as one does, you know those little whispers that tell you to slow down, or change course, or come to a decision about something or other. I was choosing to ignore all these little whispers and as a result the universe started shouting at me, really loud, so I had to take note. I don't think I need to dwell on all the various ways I was shouted at, suffice it to say, the little book reviews below are the result of that shouting. Here goes:


So, okay uinverse, you don´t have to shout any more. I am listening. I will get on with getting over the break up and I will get back to writing and reconnecting with the world at large as my true self.
I bought two books - and don't laugh. Is he Mr Right? - Mira Kirshenbaum, and It's called a break up because it's broken - Greg Berhrendt.
And know what, they were both great. They were practical, honest, and oh so true. What it comes down to, in both books, is always self worth. Why do we fool ourselves into staying with anything, be it a relationship or a job or whatever, long after they don't fit us or fulfill us any more? We stay because we lack the confidence to do something different. Relationships that have become dead horses are flogged endlessly. But you know what? Dead is dead, and I haven't met a horse with a Lazarus complex yet. Most are just processed into dog food!
Mira Kirshenbaum talks about chemistry and how that is more important than finding someone who is compatible. Compatible does not equal good match. Chemistry equals good match. Chemistry will see you through hard times because chemistry creates the emotional bond that is the foundation in a lasting relationship. Then it doesn't matter so much if you both like the same movies or read the same books. BUT, Kirshenbaum warns, if you meet your partner when your life is being tested, say you have suffered a loss of some sort, or are still recovering from your previous separation, then the relief you feel, or the exhileration during the 'in love' stage may create what she calls counterfeit chemistry. In order to judge whether the chemistry is real or counterfeit, you need to give the relationship time to unfold. Do not move in with a new partner until the dust has settled. Wait until life returns to normal, and then see if you still feel the chemistry. Should the chemistry prove itself to be counterfeit, then you need to get out. And here is where the mistakes are made. Often, due to lack of confidence in ourselves or in the universe to provide, we will stay in the relationship long after the fire has dwindled, preventing ourselves from getting out there to find a more suitable partner, and a richer life.
In Greg Behrendt's book, which was so familiar it brought an embarassing colour to my cheeks, he emphasises the need to face reality and have the confidence to realise that just because a guy dumps you, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. The relationship is broken, but the people who were in it, aren't. Both are worthy people who have become stuck in a dead connection. He warns against rewriting the relationship after the breakup to only include the best of times. It's broken, and it's only the heartache that wants an excuse not to go through the process of separation. Only the heartache that would rather go back to a dissatisfying relationship instead of accepting the separation and healing itself. Like Krishenbaum, Behrendt says that it is the lack of self confidence that draws us back into the relationship. Fear of the unknown. Fear of ending up on the shelf. Behrendt says that most of us neglect our most important relationship, the one with ourselves. Self love is the best basis for a sound relationship with someone else. Learn your likes and dislikes, because then you know what a relationship needs to provide. And if you find yourself in a situation where these needs are not being met, you will at least have someone to fall back on - yourself. You will be less inclined to endure a situation that is not contributing to your happiness.