I remember years ago on the Oprah show, when she, to my mind became an active advocate for spirituality and finding your true life’s path, that she talked about the whispering in the ear. It was, I think in relation to the discussions she had with Gary Zukav and later she used it more often in relation to spiritual development and discovering your true life’s purpose. Well, clearly I have been missing the whispers, despite imagining myself to be open to what the universe wants to tell me, because for several months now the shouting has been getting louder, until it is almost deafening.
Of course if I am honest with myself, I heard the whispers, but I didn’t want to hear what they were telling me. I was actually to scared to face up to what I needed to do. I procrastinated, delayed, put far too much energy into maintaining a dissatisfactory status quo. I was flogging the proverbial dead horse as we in Ireland would say. I kept telling myself that the horse wasn’t dead, just in a very deep sleep, and in need of an awakening.
Want to know what the whispers were?
My relationship of five years had run its best course. It had run out of steam. My partner and I had come to a crossroads and did not want to choose the same fork in the road. He was more clear about his next step than I. And I, still fearful of loss and rejection, imagined I could walk his path. I told myself that the relationship was my life’s purpose, and not that other fork in the road that continued to draw me in, and on which I repeatedly turned my back. But walking someone else’s path is not as easy as it seems. It didn’t feel like my path, and despite the fact that my choice appeared to perpetuate the relationship, it was devastating to my spirit, and to my self respect. My life was becoming one of ever increasing compromise. But as long as I told myself that relationship was my destiny, I denied myself the opportunity to listen to the whispers of the universe.
I was flogging a second dead horse, I am afraid to say. As if one wasn´t enough. The second was my job. For years I had justified staying in an unsatisfying job because it paid well, it was not full time, it did not challenge me too much intellectually, it left time for me to care for my children, be creative (I am a writer and a painter) and most of all, left time for me to invest in my relationship!!!!
The whispers about the job were many and plentiful, too. The new boss who didn’t like it that I was intelligent, or independent or opinionated. The repeated rejection of my new ideas for things like the company magazine, the website, and all the stuff that I enjoyed doing.
So when did the whispers turn into shouting?
I developed arthritis. My knees, especially my right knee, gave up and I had no choice but to have surgery. Coming up to the surgery, being nervous prevented me from ‘keeping up appearances’. I became crotchety, both in my relationship and in my work. On the surface my bad humour was disproportionate to the situation, my nerves too. What was actually taking place, though it another six months to realise it, was that, having lost myself to all that compromise, I had lost faith in the world around me.
My bad moods did not improve after the surgery. And my healing process was a slow one, as I had depleted my physical body too by my continued flogging of the dead horses.
Needless to say, I am no longer in the relationship and have put a tentative foot on the other path on that fork in the road.
I have dug deep and carried out some honest soul searching, and want you to know that all the above reasons for staying put are not the real reason. The only real reason there is, is my fear.
But fear or not, the universe has its own plans for me. I can choose now to tune in to the whisperings of the universe, or I can again wait for the shouting.